I read the book as I read divorce memoirs as a genre. I could not get over that prenup. Like, how in the heck did she sign it? And then, when she quit working, why didn't she get a postnup? Because the idea that he would keep all his earnings as she provided the cushion for him to be able to work unheeded was just astonishing to me. But again, she presumed his good graces and she had plenty. But wowza. A costly mistake. I mean, I made many of the same mistakes, in other words, ceding all financial matters to my ex-husband and then being shocked in the financial disclosures process. It was a horrible feeling.
This is why I suspect her own family wealth played into these decisions. I am trying to view it from the power dynamic that was in place when they met, and what he knew about her and her family. And I’m an only child, product of divorce with a mom who stepped out of the workforce when she had me, so I’ve had a front row seat to the financial blowback from all that, too. It’s terrible.
I had the same problem, getting over the prenup. And someone who worked in corporate law! What a mistake. But I also agree that she used her trust fund to buy the home as an indicator of her good faith and they both came to the marriage with a lot of feelings about money that went unexplored. She had feelings around entitlement and he had feelings of shame and social status anxiety. Nevertheless, I will use that prenup example in my family law class 😅
I guess it also brings up the question of does having your own family wealth, aka a trust fund and the knowledge that you will be fine financially no matter whether you work in your adult life or not (which I get the sense is the level of wealth she had but maybe not), whether that means you should not feel entitled to the shared riches you build with your spouse. Because that seemed to be the tacit agreement. She wouldn't need any of the money he made whether she was a contributor to that wealth or not. There are so many unexplored assumptions and beliefs that go into all of these decisions and every marriage and I feel like so few of us are equipped to deal with them.
It seems true that she assumed she would always be financially secure, which was probably true, and was more wounded by the betrayal and lack of care from her spouse. But I agree, a lot of unexplored assumptions and very few of us are equipped to manage them!
Agree with both of you, and tbh, this is a huge piece of why we wrote our book: to try and put words to some of the assumptions, expectations, and feelings we have a hard time exploring.
I read the book and share many of your thoughts as well. Working in financial services I was so grateful for her vulnerability in sharing the details of the career and financial choices she made, and the impact of those decisions once he left. I wish more women would be willing to share this type of wisdom with each other. We can have all the facts in the world, but it’s stories like this that shape us.
I had set this aside, but you’ve inspired me to pick it up again. And your book too. These “blindsided” stories
Felt so common in my mom’s generation… and now I see them occasionally in my own friends and I always wonder if their friends could see things that they did not. In any case, getting into anyone’s head in a memoir is always worth the time, thanks for pushing me back to this one!
Thank you so much for reading my take on it. And I agree on memoirs…I love learning people’s stories, even when they don’t go the way I wish they would for the person.
I loved the book and like many was aghast that she handed her power away so easily, and I also get it. My mother went through a nasty divorce and she was only able to hold on and not settle and get what she deserved because she had an inheritance from her father that could be a financial fallback during the legal wrangling. Otherwise, she never would have walked away with what she deserved. Great post!!!
Totally, it's why we can't view other people's financial decisions in a vacuum. There's always more to the story. Thanks for sharing and thanks for your kind words about the post :)
I won’t read that book because I lived it, sans money and status.
I know what it is to experience a sudden divorce you can’t explain.
But also?
Your sandwich comment reminded me that on the day my ex actually moved out of the family home, he locked his keys in the car TWICE. I’m not sure it wasn’t three times. I still had a key and showed up to unlock his car the first time. The second time, I was incensed that he expected me to fix his problem again. I recall him crying that he was “a broken man” as if I should have compassion for the person who had decided to rip my life to shreds with no explanation.
I did unlock the car again, or possibly three times.
I ought to have told him to go fuck himself, but I was just so used to helping him.
That was in 2002. I still have no real idea of why. He would never tell me.
I read the book as I read divorce memoirs as a genre. I could not get over that prenup. Like, how in the heck did she sign it? And then, when she quit working, why didn't she get a postnup? Because the idea that he would keep all his earnings as she provided the cushion for him to be able to work unheeded was just astonishing to me. But again, she presumed his good graces and she had plenty. But wowza. A costly mistake. I mean, I made many of the same mistakes, in other words, ceding all financial matters to my ex-husband and then being shocked in the financial disclosures process. It was a horrible feeling.
This is why I suspect her own family wealth played into these decisions. I am trying to view it from the power dynamic that was in place when they met, and what he knew about her and her family. And I’m an only child, product of divorce with a mom who stepped out of the workforce when she had me, so I’ve had a front row seat to the financial blowback from all that, too. It’s terrible.
I had the same problem, getting over the prenup. And someone who worked in corporate law! What a mistake. But I also agree that she used her trust fund to buy the home as an indicator of her good faith and they both came to the marriage with a lot of feelings about money that went unexplored. She had feelings around entitlement and he had feelings of shame and social status anxiety. Nevertheless, I will use that prenup example in my family law class 😅
Oh...one hundred percent!!
I guess it also brings up the question of does having your own family wealth, aka a trust fund and the knowledge that you will be fine financially no matter whether you work in your adult life or not (which I get the sense is the level of wealth she had but maybe not), whether that means you should not feel entitled to the shared riches you build with your spouse. Because that seemed to be the tacit agreement. She wouldn't need any of the money he made whether she was a contributor to that wealth or not. There are so many unexplored assumptions and beliefs that go into all of these decisions and every marriage and I feel like so few of us are equipped to deal with them.
It seems true that she assumed she would always be financially secure, which was probably true, and was more wounded by the betrayal and lack of care from her spouse. But I agree, a lot of unexplored assumptions and very few of us are equipped to manage them!
Agree with both of you, and tbh, this is a huge piece of why we wrote our book: to try and put words to some of the assumptions, expectations, and feelings we have a hard time exploring.
I read the book and share many of your thoughts as well. Working in financial services I was so grateful for her vulnerability in sharing the details of the career and financial choices she made, and the impact of those decisions once he left. I wish more women would be willing to share this type of wisdom with each other. We can have all the facts in the world, but it’s stories like this that shape us.
Completely agree. Thanks for reading 😊
This makes me want to read this book! But also gives me preemptive anxiety and outrage. So...tbd. :)
Haha I felt the same, but too many people insisted! I’m glad I did, if that helps.
Loved your Money Together book. Adding Strangers to my must-read list.
Thank you so much, @Joy Louveau!
I had set this aside, but you’ve inspired me to pick it up again. And your book too. These “blindsided” stories
Felt so common in my mom’s generation… and now I see them occasionally in my own friends and I always wonder if their friends could see things that they did not. In any case, getting into anyone’s head in a memoir is always worth the time, thanks for pushing me back to this one!
Thank you so much for reading my take on it. And I agree on memoirs…I love learning people’s stories, even when they don’t go the way I wish they would for the person.
Thanks for sharing this! Would love your thoughts on this
First I see your post about the book, then I see you discussed it on the So Money podcast.
Are you telling me I need to read this book???
Hahaha I’ve been making my rounds! Yes you need to read the book.
Ok, you’ve twisted my arm!
I’ll read it or maybe listen as I like to for memoirs.
I loved the book and like many was aghast that she handed her power away so easily, and I also get it. My mother went through a nasty divorce and she was only able to hold on and not settle and get what she deserved because she had an inheritance from her father that could be a financial fallback during the legal wrangling. Otherwise, she never would have walked away with what she deserved. Great post!!!
Totally, it's why we can't view other people's financial decisions in a vacuum. There's always more to the story. Thanks for sharing and thanks for your kind words about the post :)
I won’t read that book because I lived it, sans money and status.
I know what it is to experience a sudden divorce you can’t explain.
But also?
Your sandwich comment reminded me that on the day my ex actually moved out of the family home, he locked his keys in the car TWICE. I’m not sure it wasn’t three times. I still had a key and showed up to unlock his car the first time. The second time, I was incensed that he expected me to fix his problem again. I recall him crying that he was “a broken man” as if I should have compassion for the person who had decided to rip my life to shreds with no explanation.
I did unlock the car again, or possibly three times.
I ought to have told him to go fuck himself, but I was just so used to helping him.
That was in 2002. I still have no real idea of why. He would never tell me.
Thank you for sharing your story, Michelle. I’m sorry you never got the answers you so deserve.