We promise, you’re not fighting about gifts
Our holiday feelings are deeper than a price tag, so let’s unwrap them.
Hello, friends. It’s Heather, back for more.
The holidays already feel a bit imposing this year. Maybe it’s my emotional downward slalom from releasing a book, or the fact that Target put out its Christmas décor in October, or that some of my favorite internet spaces have turned into AI slop bowls where everything tastes and reads the same and right now are all like, “Here’s what the holidays really mean to me [swipe for more].”
I will be fine. But for all the twinkling lights and Mariah Carey high notes, this season really does have a way of bringing our simmering feelings to the surface. As we try to meet December’s grandiosity, holiday stress can hit our finances, schedules, and families all at once. When this happens, it’s easy to dump our high expectations—and blame our disappointments—on those we love the most.
Gift giving is one of the clearest places this shows up for couples.
Your holiday tension might look like it’s just about the money:
“You spent how much on foil-pressed holiday cards?”
“Our two-year-old doesn’t need Uggs!”
“Do we really need matching pajamas for the dog?”
But underneath your third spat over gifts, something more fundamental might be taking place. Your conflict might be over how each of you were raised, the values you hold, or the insecurities you’re carrying right now.
We’ve seen this Hallmark movie before. Money is never just about money. It’s a symbol for something harder to articulate.
Think about the baggage we carry alongside our financial choices all year long. Now, set it all on fire with a yule log. Even when we’re supposed to be slowing down and practicing gratitude and spending time with people we love, everything just feels more consequential right now. Like it’s supposed to count more. I think that’s why when it comes to our partners, we try to let things slide to keep the peace, even when we feel misaligned with what they’re saying, doing, or spending.
But there’s a better way than stewing in silence until your eggnog courage kicks in. Let’s look deeper.
When your partner says, “I don’t want to spend that much on gifts this year,” think about who they are and where you are. What does their religious or cultural background say about the consumer component of the holidays? Don’t ignore this even if you practice the same religion, because you may not have practiced it the same way growing up.
It’s also important to be sensitive to your family’s actual financial health—which you should already know about—when you’re hearing them say this. Is your partner worried about losing their job? Throughout the year, have they expressed to you that you’re stretched too thin? Is there any reason they might feel like they’re not in financial control? All of these are valid reasons to spend less, and they are very difficult to admit out loud.
And this works both ways.
When your partner puts pressure on having a certain holiday vibe or experience, they might not be seeking extravagance for extravagance’s sake. They could be trying to give your kids the childhood they never had. They could be attempting to recreate the magic their late grandmother always made them feel this time of year. Or what if it’s you who never knows how to just stop and celebrate and be proud of all you’ve accomplished? Of course, they may also just feel pressured by social media or your peers to meet a certain standard, but if you don’t talk about what’s really going on, you’ll never know which it is.
So, just as I offered you some questions framed in gratitude last week, I want to offer you a couple questions to talk through as the season ramps up. As you’ll see, these are much more proximate. Answering them will absolutely impact how you spend your money this December.
What did the holidays look like for you growing up?
Hearing about what felt good and what felt bad can de-escalate your misunderstandings fast.
What values do we want our holiday traditions to reflect?
Find out if you’re all about extravagance, simplicity, generosity, or just being together. Once you agree on why, the how becomes easier.What’s our realistic budget? What are we each afraid might happen if we don’t stick to it?
Numbers matter, but so do your deeper concerns about the grander scheme of your financial picture.
Which expectations belong to us, and which are coming from the outside the house?
Know who you’re doing this for. That matters.
The holidays are a mirror. They reflect not just our finances but our past, values, and dreams for our families. When you’re willing to look deeper than whatever little thing you’re wrapped up in (pun intended), you’ll find that the most valuable gift you can exchange is feeling seen, understood, and appreciated.
Oh, and don’t surprise your spouse with a car. We’ll never understand that.
*PLS KEEP ANON*
We want to try something new. Many of you reach out to us in private—via email, text, or in person—and what you have to say is just so common and relatable and poignant. We know you’d all benefit from more of each other’s stories, so we want to bring to The Joint Account more of what we’re learning from you each week.
Hit reply and tell us what’s going on in your world this holiday season: money stuff, family stuff, relationship stuff. Good and bad. Festive and cringe. Bragging and ranting. We’re open to all of it.
If you need a place to start, here’s a prompt:
“The thing we keep fighting about is ________, but I think it’s really about ________.”
Everything we share will always be kept anonymous.
Don’t worry, you can’t scare us. We just spent two years talking to couples about money, and we’ve heard some things! And we want to hear more!
Email: domoneytogether@gmail.com.
Despite Douglas being down for the count with the Bubonic Man Plague, he pulled it together just in time to help me host a fantastic Thanksgiving for 11 guests. To me, one of the joys of hosting a major holiday is controlling the menu, lol. I am so glad I went the extra mile to make a few gluten-free dishes that I could enjoy, including a GF stuffing with sausage, mushrooms, and leeks, as well as GF cornbread that in some holiday miracle, didn’t have the consistency of a hockey puck! Anyway, we hope you had a meaningful, restful time with your loved ones. Onto the next one!
The life of a showgirl (and boy)
Last Monday night, we paid a virtual visit to our first book club, hosted by Amplified Planning’s Externship program.
On the airwaves, Douglas joined the great Phil Rosen on his Full Signal podcast to discuss AI, our crazy Bitcoin story, and of course, the book. Together, we appeared on the Insight Is Capital podcast for a very meaningful conversation about marriage, money, and when power changes hands in a relationship. And we also had the pleasure of joining Barbara Ginty on her excellent Future Rich podcast, where we discussed (among many things) why women tend to feel that institutional failures are our own fault when in reality, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Where should we visit next? Let us know!
Money Together is here! Order now in your format of choice.
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Want more Heather and Doug? Have us come talk love and money for your organization, virtually or IRL. Reach us here.
Connect with us on social: @averagejoelle + @dougboneparth
The content shared in The Joint Account does not constitute financial, legal, or any other professional advice. Readers should consult with their respective professionals for specific advice tailored to their situation. The information contained in this post is general in nature and for informational purposes only. It should not be considered as investment advice or as a recommendation of any particular strategy or investment product. This post is not a solicitation or an offer to buy or sell any specific security. Bone Fide Wealth cannot guarantee the accuracy of information from third parties.
Congrats on the extra mile, hope the guests all had a meaningful, restful time with your family. Looking into your next mile coming soon!
Newish follower so please tell me if you have discussed this before or in your book…can you talk about couples and charitable giving decisions? When philosophies are different? How to navigate those at EOY? Donor advised funds, etc. Thanks so much!