I wrote about you, but I learned about me
Some reflection as Money Together heads to the printer.
I think I finally did it. (I being Heather. Hello again.)
A little over a week ago, I handed in my final notes on the manuscript for Money Together. The book is now in pre-print checks, which means the train has left the station, and all I can do is wave from the platform and maybe yell something like, “Don’t forget to write!”
Loosening my grip on the book is hard. This has been much more of a personal experience than I ever could’ve imagined. By interviewing dozens of couples on a topic as sensitive as money, you learn a lot about people. You learn a lot about yourself.
In jest, I’ve thanked many of our cited psychologists and therapists for all the free therapy they’ve provided me. It’s true that through the lens of this project, I’ve gained new perspective on my own feelings about money and how they have shaped my personal relationships. In a sense, I was our own test case. I’m pleased to report, I turned out alright.
In the coming weeks, we’re going to share with you more about all of it: the process, the stories, the lessons, the hardest parts. But for now, in what feels like a very self-reflective moment, I want to tell you what I personally took from researching and writing each section of our book. We’ll go one by one. I suspect—well, at least I hope—you’ll be able to discover more about yourself in its pages, and use what you learn to improve your life. Here’s how it’s improving mine.
Beginnings
Your earliest lessons about money matter. They impact how you behave as an adult. Maybe this is the understatement of the century, but hey, I’m simplifying here.
Until I started listening to people’s recollections of how money made them feel as children, I wasn’t connecting the dots in my own life. I understood the facts, like my parents getting divorced, but I didn’t understand what I had internalized about money from everything I had experienced.
In my heart, I believed that giving money is how you love, and withholding money is withholding love. The juxtaposition was terrifying, to be honest, because I never wanted to know which way it would go with the adults in my life. So, I made it my mission to need nothing from anyone. On the surface, it probably looked like pride. Maybe even stubbornness. But underneath, I was afraid to be vulnerable and have my fear of abandonment exposed. I carried this well into my relationship with Douglas (making many mistakes there, too), and am only now learning to ask for what I need from people who love me.
Mistakes
In the book, we preface this section on “mistakes” by explaining that mistakes can be lots of things: real and perceived, big and small, mindsets and mind games. Lying, too, but I digress.
For a long time, shame consumed my life. I shamed myself over borrowing six figures of student loans for law school right before the economy collapsed in 2008. As I wrote, the debt wasn’t just some conundrum I could *life hack* my way out of. The debt was me. It represented every bit of the failure I felt I was. As our wonderful friend Lazetta Rainey Braxton, CFP® puts it, I couldn’t see beyond the FOG—that is, fear, obligation, and guilt—of what I did.
In doing this work, I learned that the problem wasn’t having “one big money regret” but my inability to get past it. The story I had sold myself about the debt was more damaging to the early years of our adult relationship than the debt itself, because at 27 years old, I had convinced myself that I lacked the judgment to make sound decisions about my money or career. Can you imagine being with someone like that?
I credit Doug all the time for not doubling down on a girl while she was down. What he did was quite the opposite: he gave me the tools to realize I was still in control of my own destiny. That created the financial environment for me to forgive myself and start rebuilding who I was, and imagining who I wanted to be.
Contributions
Becoming a mother dramatically changed everything. Our daughters gave me the perspective that so much more matters than my job, and ambition is not a singular pursuit reserved for work. That being said, my career took some major hits in the years when our daughters were young. Pairing these difficulties with Doug’s career taking off and a global pandemic (I’ve now mentioned two unprecedented times in this newsletter!), I became one of millions of mothers who found themselves questioning how and why our time felt like it was worth less than our partner’s, and why we were shouldering so much more of the invisible responsibilities at home.
I’m just going to put this out there: we need a reframe on caregiving. If you think that caregivers are receiving allllllll the support they need at home, in the workplace, and in the form of government policy, we probably shouldn’t be friends.
Caregivers are providers.
The great Eve Rodsky taught me that the time we spend caregiving matters just as much as the time we spend earning money. Until I believed this to be true, I couldn’t figure out how to tell Doug he wasn’t pulling his weight. I couldn’t reclaim the time I needed to breathe. I couldn’t figure out what was next for me, because I believed that a husband earning three times his wife’s income deserved three times the time to do whatever he needed (or wanted). But we did it, fam. We got through it. Doug began to try in all sorts of new ways at home, and I did my best to let him. I don’t really believe there is such thing as “even,” but we’re closer to fair than ever. And over time, I stopped feeling bad about asking for things, which as you just read, is a huge step for me.
Power
In the context of relationships, we’re conditioned to believe that power lies with one of us or the other. Meaning, we have to take power from our partners to gain power for ourselves—it’s either him or me. Dr. Mona Fishbane refers to this as “Power Over” thinking, and as you can imagine, it leads to whole lot of conflict.
What she posits, and I never considered, is that we can give ourselves the chance to explore our individual “Power To.” Once we find it, we can work with our partners on our collective “Power With” each other, which accounts for each of our individual strengths, wants, and needs, and creates a whole that’s even better than the sum of its parts.
What does this have to do with money? Literally everything.
When I was drowning in work and family obligations during the pandemic, I let my involvement in our family’s finances slip big time. It was an easy thing to do, because Douglas isn’t a W-2 employee, and the income we take home is more complex than just reviewing pay stubs. But in allowing this to happen, I lost a lot of power, including: the power to help us make informed decisions; the power to understand my goals in the context of our finances; and even the power to be a valuable sounding board to Douglas. I owe it to myself first and our family second to be that knowledgeable partner.
I also learned a lot about things that shouldn’t hold power over me. More on that another day.
Risk
Almost nothing is black and white. This or that. There are almost always more options to choose from, more ways to get there, and outcomes you’ve never considered. That’s just the ride we’re on. You might as well enjoy it.
I share a very personal story in Beginnings about being afraid. Though the thing I feared never happened the way I thought it would, something else did, and it changed the course of my life.
You know that I know a lot about risk. But until I learned more about money, myself, and our relationship, I lacked the context to calculate what would be best for our futures. I’ve learned in working on this book that Douglas and I actually have similar appetites for risk right now. We didn’t always, and we still choose to deploy these attitudes quite differently, but at least we are within the zone of compromise where we can move forward with a little healthy discomfort between us. We’ve also come to accept that I need to be more prepared than he does, playing out various scenarios and what I would do in them. So, if you invite us to speak, you’ll find me rehearsing backstage. Him? Not so much. He’ll probably be on X.
This isn’t even the half of what Money Together has done for me, but I hope it’s helped you begin to see what it might do for you. If you’re interested in pre-ordering your copy, we would so appreciate that—pre-orders matter. And if you’re a financial advisor, we’ve got a special preview chapter for you.
You know where to find us.
We are in the countdown to my 40th birthday, and we have a whole slew of events I’m looking forward to over the next few weeks. We kicked things off with a night in the city dancing our faces off to Don Diablo, followed by a very long walk to the East Village for late-night Crif Dogs (IYKYK). The whole night felt like the throwback to a past era in our lives, one that wasn’t any better than this one but beautiful to revisit. More, more, more.
TJA in the News
Last week, I joined a dream Group Chat in Lindsey Stanberry’s The Purse, sharing how I cope with what feels like a constant cycle of bad news.
And Douglas appeared on CNBC’s The Exchange to discuss whether private investments belong in retirement plans. Here’s the clip! Great job, sweetie!
Shameless plugs
Our book site is LIVE! Check it out here for more info on Money Together and having us come chat with your organization!
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And don’t forget, our forthcoming book, Money Together: How to find fairness in your relationship and become an unstoppable financial team, arrives October 28, 2025. You can pre-order your copy now!
Find us on social: @dougboneparth + @averagejoelle :)
The content shared in The Joint Account does not constitute financial, legal, or any other professional advice. Readers should consult with their respective professionals for specific advice tailored to their situation.
excited for Money Together !