I had $200,000 in student loan debt. He said, "What's yours is mine."

Some thoughts on romantic gestures this Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope this email doesn’t find you in the picked-over aisles of your local drugstore, searching for the last card under $9.99. We can do better, fam.

Today is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year, according to Hallmark and the internet. But when I think about the most romantic gestures that I’ve ever received, they rarely had to do with commercial transactions in the middle of winter. That’s not to say money can’t buy romance. The way we communicate around, plan with, and use our money to care for the people we love can be romantic. It can mean more than you realize.

A few weeks ago, The New York Times asked readers to share their grand romantic gestures, and one specific thing came to mind right away. It wasn’t the time Doug gathered all my college friends for a surprise birthday dinner, or how he used to send me letters and videos when we lived in different states, or even when he proposed on the steps of Lincoln Center. I loved all those moments.

But a few years into our marriage, Doug offered to do something that completely altered the scope of our commitment to one another (or at least, it felt that way). He signed his name next to mine and assumed equal responsibility for my $200,000 in student loan debt from law school.

The whole story is a long one, and today (a day of love!) is not the day for me to drag you through it. But I did explain some of it in Chapter 9 of our book, “Diablo,” where I wrote about how heavily the debt weighed on my heart:

“My debt wasn’t a villain. It wasn’t some monster like Godzilla that I could plan to attack. My debt was me. It was everything I wasn’t: the jobs I couldn’t get. The approval I desired. The love that felt an arm’s length away.”

I was ashamed of it. Debilitated by it.

The first years of my career were some of the darkest of my life. Doug actually put off proposing because of the state I was in. He told me he wanted me to “rediscover the hope I could become the person I wanted to be,” and even in a fog of shame, I understood what he meant.

In the interests of brevity, I’ll just say that things got better. We got married. We had our first daughter. We both got our heads above water, thanks in large part to the now-shuddered First Republic National Bank, which had started a program to refinance graduate student loan debt for high-potential graduates at certain universities. Doug’s MBA qualified. My J.D. didn’t.

So, he refinanced his loans, but he kept pushing until they considered mine, too. When they agreed, it came with one stipulation: he would have to co-sign.

He didn’t even hesitate. What was mine…was his.

From a financial standpoint, it was an incredible opportunity. My interest rate dropped from above 7 percent to below 3 percent. It was a no brainer on paper, and Doug is such a fixer that I wasn’t surprised he pursued it. But the impact was far greater than either of us realized at the time.

As an only child with inherent trust issues, this financial step tethered us together in a way that may have meant even more than our wedding vows. Doug’s gesture said, I will always be here. Your burdens are my burdens.

Most of all, I believe in you.

For all the conflicts we tend to focus on in the study of relationships and money, we should also recognize that choosing to share financial burdens is an inherent act of trust. It puts you in the trenches together. It can be the thing that says, I see you. I’m not afraid of your mess. I’m building with you, anyway. Without question, it’s not the right move for everyone, but I look back on this as a defining moment in our love story.

So you see, romance isn’t limited to just giving gifts. Sometimes, it’s signing your name on a dotted line, and all that becomes possible after.

Happy Valentine’s Day,

Heather <3

Have you or your partner ever made a gesture that felt unexpectedly romantic? Let us know!

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Lots of love and money chatter this week!

We are so proud to share our episode of Masters in Business with the great Barry Ritholtz, which came out today. Our thought-provoking convo covered everything from prenups, to marrying into money, to what we’re reading right now.

We also joined our friend Joe Saul-Sehy for a special Valentine’ Day ep of Stacking Benjamins, where we shared some hot takes on financial infidelity.

Keep an eye out for this one to drop today: Doug gave dating advice in CNBC Make It, sharing the questions you can ask someone to find out more about their money mindset! It’s a doozy! He also weighed in about how people are planning to spend less this Valentine’s Day.

For Market Watch, I spoke with our friend Beth Pinsker about showing your partner “where the money is” as the ultimate act of love.

And finally, for Financial Planning magazine, we spoke on one of our favorite topics: bringing both partners to the table. Advisors: don’t miss this one.

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