Hi, friends! It’s Heather, back with some words of wisdom I wish someone had shared with us many moons ago. If you know any couples about to tie the knot, share this newsletter with them, along with our sincerest congratulations.
We’ll be on hiatus for a few weeks until our kids are back in school and we are back from some work travel. In the meantime, keep up with us on Instagram and X. See you soon!
I shared a story at the beginning of Money Together that lived rent-free in my brain for years. On our honeymoon, another newlywed couple sat next to us at a bistro on the Amalfi Coast. Far from the soundtrack we expected to hear in this romantic scene, they started to argue. They were fighting about money, and no amount of Aperol or seafood fra diavlo could soften the tension. The longer we listened—unwillingly, I swear—the more obvious it became that it was the first time they were learning some very important things about each other.
We were young and naïve and had our own growing up to do, too. But we did know that getting married doesn’t just magically make your lives compatible. In fact, it raises the stakes.
Marriage brings together two pasts, two sets of values, two families, and two visions for what the future looks like.
Surprises around these topics usually aren’t good. Even if you don’t agree about everything that comes up, being transparent gives you the chance to solve problems together or seek outside help before issues become sources of resentment down the line.
So to close out The Joint Account’s summer wedding series, we want to offer something practical for any couples who are engaged or in a serious relationship that might be headed toward marriage. Here are six conversations you need to have before saying “I do.”
1. Your complete financial picture
Before you get married, you should both understand the full scope of each other’s financial lives. This means your income, savings, investments, student loans, credit card debt, real estate, trusts you are (or will be) benefitting from, and any other meaningful assets or liabilities.
We aren’t suggesting you need to hand over ownership or access to everything. You don’t have to combine every account or hand over your passwords. This is strictly for visibility. The person you’re marrying deserves an honest understanding of the financial landscape they’re stepping into.
2. Your outside financial support
Not everyone lives off income alone.
If one partner receives regular financial help from their parents, that’s an important point to disclose. Having a family safety net quite often changes someone’s comfort around spending, saving, and risk. It’s not a problem to have this kind of relationship with your parents—I mean, I think a lot of people would love any kind of support they could get—but it can come with its own set of tradeoffs and unspoken rules. Are you intending to share their support with your spouse in some way? Are there any expectations around their help?
This is one of many reasons to consider a prenuptial agreement, btw. Not just to protect assets in the event of a divorce but to outline expectations up front so they don’t need to be whispering in the background of your relationship.
3. Your values
What matters most to each of you in life?
What do you want your money to do?
This is where the numbers become personal. Understanding each other’s values will help you make important decisions in the future, particularly when there aren’t necessarily right or wrong choices. Your values become your north star.
Now, I know there’s a lot of people—especially young people—who aren’t even sure what their values are. No one expects you to figure it out over one ruminating walk. Seek guidance if you need it from your family, your faith leaders, even a therapist. Self-work is such an integral part of couples’ work, because this is where we ensure your voice continues to be heard in all important decisions you’ll make throughout your lives together.
4. Your personal responsibilities
Are you an only child who plans to help out your aging parents one day? Do you have a sibling or family member who may eventually depend on you? Are there cultural expectations around your financial or emotional support?
Of course, you don’t need a detailed care plan before you get married. Your partner just deserves to understand these anticipated responsibilities so that you can limit surprises down the line. There will be enough things you can’t control about this one.
5. Your first financial decisions together
Map out how you want to begin your financial lives together.
Decide on your first strategy for pooling resources. Will you open a joint account and divert your full paychecks there? Will you maintain your separate accounts and schedule auto-transfers to that joint account for shared expenses? You can slice it any number of ways that make you both feel comfortable, but just know, this goes beyond the bank accounts.
How will you approach each of your pre-existing debts (student loan and consumer)? Will one of you join the other’s health insurance plan? Do you need to update your named beneficiaries?
Again, there isn’t one right answer to these questions. What’s important is that you’ve taken the time to come up with an initial game plan so that you don’t become overwhelmed in those first few months after the wedding, or just avoid making changes at all that could really benefit you.
6. Your long-term vision
Finally, you’ve got to zoom out.
Talk about what kind of life you are trying to build together. How big of a family do you hope to have? Do either of you dream about starting a business? Would you ever move to another city? Is one of you working toward an early retirement while the other can’t imagine leaving a career they love?
Again, you definitely don’t need a 20-year blueprint. We’d be the first to tell you that the plot of the story can change, and so can you. But starting to work toward your initial shared vision will give context to the everyday decisions you’ll make with your money. These are the early building blocks of your teamwork together.
None of these conversations are one-and-done. They should be the first of many that will happen as often as your lives will change.
But what shouldn’t change is your commitment to telling each other the truth.
If you discover areas where you need to compromise, surprise! That’s marriage for you! But when one person hides the ball, you end up building on assumptions. You end up facing the wrong kind of surprises. And we certainly wouldn’t want any of you ruining a fine meal on the Amalfi Coast.
Did you talk about all of this with your partner before getting married? Don’t be shy!
You up? Good, because we’ve got a question for you. This mini-series mixes conversation prompts from Money Together with fresh ones we’ve been thinking about, all designed to spark real, honest money talks with your partner. Apropos of this week’s newsletter, ask your partner:
Want to go deeper? Money Together is everything we’ve learned about love and money, told through real stories with lessons for people who want to build a financial life together without losing themselves in the process. Order your copy on: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, or Audible (narrated by Heather!).
Love it already? A review on Goodreads and wherever you purchased helps other couples find us and means more than you know.
Bring us to your organization! We speak on money, relationships, and what it really takes to build a financial partnership that lasts. Available for corporate events, conferences, and private engagements — virtually and IRL. Reach us here.
Connect with us on social: @averagejoelle + Douglas A. Boneparth
The content shared in The Joint Account does not constitute financial, legal, or any other professional advice. Readers should consult with their respective professionals for specific advice tailored to their situation. The information contained in this post is general in nature and for informational purposes only. It should not be considered as investment advice or as a recommendation of any particular strategy or investment product. This post is not a solicitation or an offer to buy or sell any specific security. Bone Fide Wealth cannot guarantee the accuracy of information from third parties.
Your book deserves a place on every wedding registry!!
"Marriage brings together two pasts, two sets of values, two families, and two visions..." Spot on, Heather! ❤️
These 6 conversations are pure gold for any couple heading toward the altar. So much better to ask the tough questions now than over seafood fra diavlo later!