Progress is the point
How to measure our goals when life has other plans.
Happy New Year from The Joint Account! Larry David would be angry with us for greeting you this way, but in our book, mid-January is prettttty much still The New Year.
After a month off, we are thrilled to be back in your inbox. Welcome to our new subscribers, and thank you to everyone who participated in our reader survey. As a result of your feedback and our own goals for this space, you’re going to see some big changes rolling out over the next couple of months - starting today. Keep reading below Heather’s essay to check out two of our new recurring blurbs (we’ve got lots of blurbs, just you wait) and some of what we’ve been up to over the holidays.
I waited a beat before publishing today’s newsletter, just so you could get all your New Year’s resolutions out of your systems. I’m not a huge fan of resolutions, because when you slip up, you just end up shaming yourself and feeling worse than when you started. Resolutions also rely on a comforting-but-false idea that everything is within our control, and if we only withhold or optimize or act with greater discipline, our revitalized human capital will reward us just the way we envisioned.
But I do understand why we do this. It’s easier to believe we can discipline ourselves into achieving one specific thing than acknowledge that many moving parts in our lives need to align or behave a certain way for our goal to be possible. And even if they do, something unexpected can still occur at any time, pushing the finish line further away or altering the journey to become one you never envisioned. Pretty frustrating, isn’t it?
Let me get personal with some examples. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to start a new year by losing weight. I’ve committed to new gyms or class packages. I’ve meal prepped. I’ve counted macros. I’ve done it all—and it’s not like I’m a garbage eater or a couch potato, I’m just in a constant battle against my genetics. When I run too much, my knees hurt. When I lift too much, I don’t get in my cardio, and the scale creeps up. Unlike my long and lean husband, when I enjoy even one indulgent weekend, my pants won’t fit on Monday. He cuts out soda and loses five pounds. I share this because the two times I’ve ever even danced around my “goal weight” were unexpected or fleeting. Right before I got pregnant with Ruby, my thyroid cranked into overdrive and doctors feared I had Grave’s disease or worse: thyroid cancer. A few years later, I got in the best shape of my life but then broke my ankle on the tennis court. On paper, goals were met. But they were scary the first time and short-lived the next. Now, I no longer make promises around my body that aren’t within my control.
The same can be true for positive outcomes, too. From my earliest days in journalism school, I dreamed of being a paid writer. But after studying in Ecuador and interning for a women’s magazine in New York City, I realized I wasn’t interested in writing about things like manicure trends. I wanted my work to mean something—to help people. Combine that objective with an unhealthy dose of Millennial Accomplishment Syndrome and one Great Recession, and you’ll understand how I ended up practicing law in the insurance industry for 13 years. But the goal never disappeared. When you really want something, you can’t just negotiate it away without consequences. You won’t like the person you become, and it will seep into parts of your life far beyond your career. It’s wild to think that at 40, I am a twice-published author, creator of this newsletter, and still very much a lawyer. I got what I wanted. The path here just looked nothing like I thought it would.
I’ve centered myself enough here today. This is about you.
In our book, we write about the power to access your voice. A huge component of that process is figuring out what you want. Let’s discuss how to frame your goals in a realistic, compassionate way that accounts not just for your life’s variables but your family’s, too.
My friend Mary Beth Storjohann, who writes Between Tables here on Substack, asks her financial planning clients a question:
“If we are meeting three years from today, what would have to happen: (a) personally, (b) professionally, and (c), financially, for you to be happy with the progress you’ve made?”
I love this question so much. First, it doesn’t cheapen big goals by boxing them into a single calendar year. Byeeee, New Year’s Resolutions! It also allows for the possibility that even in three years, you might not have arrived, but you could still be genuinely satisfied with the progress you’re making. That’s an important mindset framed around patience and perspective rather than urgency and shame. It also acknowledges something we don’t talk about enough: your personal, professional, and financial lives are deeply intertwined. They don’t exist in a vacuum. Your goals might require changes across more than one area of your life.
Relationships add another layer of complexity to our goals.
When you share your life with someone else, your hopes aren’t the only ones that matter, and your circumstances aren’t the only ones shaping the outcome. Unexpected things can happen to all of you: your partner, your kids, even your parents and other loved ones.
Depending on who you are, and what you’re working toward, it can really hurt when someone else’s needs derail your goals. I know that’s not the most loving thing to say, but it’s true.
I’ve made personal, professional, and financial sacrifices for my family, and I would do so much of it again. But at times, I carried a lot of negative feelings around with them; mostly when I couldn’t see a path forward. That was before Douglas and I took the time to ask ourselves a version of the question above. Without that clarity, we lost sight of the conditions I needed to keep moving forward, and we couldn’t communicate around my needs, either.
See, there’s a difference between giving yourself grace with the timeline and abandoning progress altogether. It’s hard to be nimble and focused. It’s even harder to be understanding and firm. But these “ands” are a part of life when you’ve chosen to build that life with someone else. And sometimes, the variables your partner and family bring into the picture are wonderful, too.
So, ask yourself that question. Have your partner answer it, too. Talk about what each of you might need to change for you to feel good about the direction you’re heading as individuals and as a couple.
If you do that, I promise it will be far more meaningful than any fad, tip, or trick you’ve tried to start the year with before.
Let’s hear it from you: what’s a goal you’ve had to reconfigure around other people, or just because life moved the goal posts? Tell us what changed and what progress looks like for you now.
We Reddit online
As perpetually online people, we’re excited to share our takes on the money, relationship, and “AITA” controversies blowing up the message boards. Here’s the first.
It’s a beautiful, generous thing when parents want to help their adult children. That offer can come from a good place of love or protection or a desire to make your lives easier. But when other people infuse money into your relationship, you have to be mindful of the strings attached.
In this case, the boyfriend’s parents want to buy a home, keep it in their name, and charge a “small fee.” Let’s call that what it is: rent. Discounted rent, sure, but it’s rent nonetheless. Ownership equals control, so if the parents own the asset, they will be driving decisions around the home their adult child and his girlfriend are living in.
I think it also matters that they’re not married. This is her boyfriend. It doesn’t make the relationship less serious, but it does raise important questions. Whose financial future is being prioritized here? Clearly, her boyfriend’s more than hers. What happens if the relationship changes? What protections does she have? (None.) These are practical questions and avoiding them now doesn’t make them disappear later.
Here, the girlfriend is right to hesitate without having some assurances around what this would look like. And if they do accept his parent’s offer, I hope she takes advantage of the discounted digs and saves that money to continue growing her own independent wealth, whether she someday chooses to buy property or do anything else. -Douglas
TJA’s Couple of the Week
From our TVs and screens to our local neighborhood and across the world, we’re bringing you our favorite real and fictitious couples who are keeping things interesting and making us think. Maybe we’ll accept nominations in the future…who knows.
They’re ambitious. They’re competitive. They’re the hottest fake hockey players to ever grace premium streaming services. Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov began their “Heated Rivalry” in the shadows, but over the span of years (and too few episodes), felt conditions change enough in their own lives and the fictitious hockey world to start being honest about their true feelings for one another. They’ll still, ahem, “play hard on the ice,” but I can’t wait to see what else they’ll do together in Season 2. Read into that what you will. And yes, this was the most benign image of them I could find of them. -Heather
We’re in the news
To close out our season of saying “yes” to all the things, we inserted ourselves into Peak Holiday Chaos by visiting 30 Rock on Christmas Eve! Inspired by this post in The Joint Account, we joined NBC News Daily to talk about the questions you and your partner can ask each other to find more meaning in the holidays.
In print, CNBC Make It let us share our best relationship advice for 2026. What is it? You’ll just have to see. And Kiplinger ran a lovely Q&A on Money Together.
Finally - and this is just so special, we almost can’t believe it - Audible is featuring us in their Well-Being newsletter and on their blog!!! Check it out, and if you haven’t listened to Money Together yet, consider this your sign.
Save the dates
Coming up, we’ve got some exciting virtual and IRL opportunities to connect with you, so block your calendars and book your sitters, because we’d LOVE to see you there:
This Thursday, January 15th at 2pm EST, we’re participating in the Fresh Starts Winter Author Series, where we’ll be chatting about building healthy financial habits and how to thrive as a team. Register here.
NYC friends: we’ll be sipping and shopping at Theory in the Meatpacking District on the evening of Wednesday, February 4. More to come on this!
NJ friends: we’re hosting a talk and book signing with the JCC of Central New Jersey on Thursday, February 5, at 7:30pm. Register here.
Money Together is here! Order now in your format of choice.
Love it already? Leave us a review wherever you purchased!
Want more Heather and Doug? Have us come talk love and money for your organization—virtually or IRL. Reach us here.
Connect with us on social: @averagejoelle + @dougboneparth
The content shared in The Joint Account does not constitute financial, legal, or any other professional advice. Readers should consult with their respective professionals for specific advice tailored to their situation. The information contained in this post is general in nature and for informational purposes only. It should not be considered as investment advice or as a recommendation of any particular strategy or investment product. This post is not a solicitation or an offer to buy or sell any specific security. Bone Fide Wealth cannot guarantee the accuracy of information from third parties.