Prenups, power, and the convos couples avoid

Welcome to Above Our Pay Grade, feat. matrimonial attorney Jackie Combs

Welcome to Above Our Pay Grade, a new series where we have conversations with subject matter experts on topics that are essential to our money and our lives. Our goal is offer you insights that go one step deeper than we can on our own. Think of it as our way to pull more seats up to The Joint Account table, and have some fun with friends in the process.

For our first installment, Heather sat down with Jackie Combs, a matrimonial and family law partner with Blank Rome, LLP. Jackie works with high-net-worth clients across industries like sports and entertainment, tech, finance, and media. Her practice includes complex financial divorces, custody and support matters, and negotiating premarital and postnuptial agreements. She’s a legal commentator for outlets including The New York Times, USA Today, and Business Insider. Jackie also shares practical insights on relationships, money, and the law through her blog and Instagram, Love Richer.

Here’s their conversation, edited for clarity and length.

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Heather: You work with celebrities and high-profile couples, but many of the core emotional issues surrounding money are universal. What are the most common money-related conflicts you see, regardless of how wealthy a couple is?

Jackie: Money conversations are all the same; they are just relative to your financial circumstances. I would say that the biggest conflict that I see with people is not talking about money early, having unmet expectations, lacking financial transparency, and avoidance. And many times, it’s because we were taught money is a taboo subject, but money is not a taboo subject. We weren’t taught the tools to be able to communicate about money in our relationships.

H: I’d imagine that you encounter some difficult power dynamics, especially when one partner has more wealth, fame, or influence. How can couples push this aside and treat each other as equals—can they?

J: It shouldn’t matter who’s bringing the income into the relationship. Each partner needs autonomy, and they need mutual respect. Somebody may stay at home to support their spouse’s career—that permits the working spouse to focus and dedicate their time on growing their business. That adds value. You may not see it on the P&L, but it does. Fair Play, the book by Eve Rodsky, talks about how unpaid labor in the household would equate to about $175,000 per year if a SAHM were compensated for all the work that she does.

At the end of the day, you need to be a team. Everybody plays a different role on a soccer team, right? Somebody’s going to be the striker, somebody’s going to be the defender. But that doesn’t diminish either player’s part, because we’re all playing for one goal, and here’s, that’s the family unit.

H: For any partner who has less money or leverage going into a marriage, what are some important protections or conversations they should insist on?

J: Transparency is non-negotiable. And you need to have access to cash. There is no reason why you shouldn’t have money in an account in your name. And this is not about distrust, or about you leaving or preparing to leave. It is about having a plan in place in case you need the money or if something happens tomorrow. Because if you don’t have access to the accounts, or you don’t know how to pay the mortgage, or where your phone bill is, these are all critical and necessary expenses that you have to be able to know where the money is coming from to pay.

H: We all know, situations change. People receive financial windfalls. They step back from the workforce. They sell businesses or take on risks that really change the landscape of how two people should be approaching money together. Do you have any advice for someone who feels like they need new assurances years into their relationship?

J: Yeah, great question. So, there are a lot of reasons to enter into a postnuptial agreement or to change the financial dynamics within your marriage after you get married. This could look like a financial windfall or inheritance. It could also look like one spouse engaging in risky investments that you don’t want to participate in, or you discover infidelity or substance abuse, and you want to make the marriage work, but you need financial protections in place. Always seek help of a professional to have those difficult conversations when you need it.

But at the end of the day, you need to speak authentically and vulnerably and explain the framework that would make you feel safe. And this isn’t like, “I need to go on a shopping spree every single weekend.” This is, “I don’t feel safe, because you’re spending all the money out of the account, and I don’t know where our assets are going,” or “I want to plan for retirement and save for our kids’ expenses.” These are real practical conversations that need to be had, and you need to be able to align on them, and if not, make financial adjustments to ensure that you feel committed to stay in the relationship.

H: This feels like a good moment to bring up prenups (and postnups). They seem to be getting a much-needed rebrand, but for those still carrying the stigma, please debunk a myth around what these arrangements are meant to do!

J: Prenups establish a clear financial framework during your marriage and in the event you break up. They are not a bad thing—they’re actually a great thing, including for individuals who want to stay at home and raise children.

A prenup can provide for more protections than what the law can provide for. Let’s say, your partner comes in with more separate property, and they could buy a house without you being on the title, a prenup can protect you in the event you stay at home to support your spouse’s career, such as giving you a longer duration of spousal support.

H: Okay, this is a good real-life example that’s relevant to our readers. In the context of, say, a mother who steps back from the workforce, can you share another example of a prenup clause that might help couples feel more confident when the financial dynamics in their relationship change in this way?

J: In California, we have a typical rule that when a marriage is less than 10 years, spousal support is half the length of the marriage. When the marriage is more than 10 years, the court has jurisdiction.

So, instead of just spousal support for one-half the length of the marriage, you can guarantee to more years, or guarantee that she will receive at least X amount of money to ensure she can afford a home on her own. Another example would be: for each year of marriage, you receive monetary gifts that you can put into a retirement account or savings account that is just in your name, so that you know you have some money stockpiled to protect yourself.

H: Let’s talk about transparency. In our experience, some couples hide the ball from each other, because they believe that’s the best way to maintain their financial independence. Do you have any suggestions for how we can give our partners real transparency but maintain some independence in the relationship?

J: A couple of things. Number one, I think it’s totally okay for you to have an account in your own name and to have some “no questions asked” spending. And that can be part of the budget that you guys create for each other, because each partner needs autonomy.

I talk a lot about the four dimensions of financial intimacy that every couple needs: (1) communication; (2) transparency; (3) alignment, and (4) autonomy. Each partner needs autonomy. How much? That depends on your own financial circumstances, and everything is relative, but so long as you guys are aligned on that decision, it’s all good.

H: I love that suggestion.

J: And I will just say one more thing. Even though you have a “no questions asked” fund, that doesn’t mean that you don’t share it with your spouse if they ask for it. It’s no different than needing access to a computer—I have my own privacy, but if you want to see it, no problem.

[And then we went on tangent about how you should never surprise your spouse with a new car for the holidays. We wholeheartedly agree on this point!]

H: This has been so wonderful. Let me ask you this last question: when there’s a lot of money involved, is love enough?

J: Love is never enough, but it’s also never about the money. Marriage is a partnership. Beyond what you do for work, it’s the biggest financial decision you will ever make in your life. It’s who you go to war with on a daily basis, who you build your life with, and who you spend your time with. You want to be a team.

Thank you so much to Jackie for participating in The Joint Account’s first Above Our Pay Grade. Are there any topics you’d like us to dig into in the future? Let us know!

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TJA’s Couple of the Week

Catherine O’Hara’s characters felt woven into my life. I’ve loved her from the days of Home Alone, to Best in Show, and of course, Schitt’s Creek. This week, I want to honor her extraordinary creative partnership and 50-year friendship with Eugene Levy. In their decades of on-screen collaborations, they gave us couples that demonstrated trust, mutual respect, and an intuitive understanding of one another. They kept us laughing all along the way. Hollywood loves change, but their consistency just felt like a warm hug. Catherine, you will be so deeply missed. -Heather

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NYC: join us after work this Wednesday, February 4!

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