What's your plan, man?
How choice, fairness, and shared responsibility create stronger families.
Doug here. A few weeks ago, I attended the inaugural Market to Men Summit in New York City. It was a full day of panels and activities focused on uplifting men’s health and wellbeing. The event was hosted by Antenna Up, an organization dedicated to rebuilding trust between men and women so we can all work better together. With Heather and I preparing to release our new book on strengthening financial relationships, I jumped at the chance to join a panel discussion on the future of family finances.
One of the central themes in Money Together is how you contribute to your household. In fact, the book itself grew out of the imbalance Heather and I experienced during the pandemic. She was lawyering, mothering, and quietly helping me run the business, while I disappeared into work and social media. I told myself that my financial contribution was enough, but truthfully, I was falling short everywhere else. Realizing this forced me to reevaluate everything: our roles at home, the way we approached our careers, and what we both considered fair. For me, it opened even bigger questions about how men define their worth inside the family.
It’s easy to see how much of this is rooted in gender norms that are still pervasive in our world. Men are still largely taught that their primary value is to provide financially, while women are expected to shoulder the weight of household responsibilities, caregiving, and invisible emotional labor. We’ve been conditioned by inherited scripts and a lifetime’s worth of unhelpful content to accept those roles without asking if they make sense for our families today. They didn’t for us.
Breaking down those norms wasn’t just about easing Heather’s load. It was about expanding what it means to provide. It means recognizing that we have the choice to show up as caregivers, as true partners in planning, and as equals in making the decisions that shape our futures together.
One of the clearest examples of this came up around family planning. At the summit, I sat alongside Darlene Walley, Ph.D., CEO of Next Life Sciences, the company behind Plan A, a potential male form of birth control. The product itself is fascinating, but the bigger idea is about giving men choice by broadening the options they have to participate in family planning. For most of our relationship, Heather carried this responsibility by pumping hormones into her body with birth control. Eventually, she asked me to take control, which led to my vasectomy, a decision that was as much about fairness and health as it was about what was best for our family.
I was surprised how naturally men opened up about this topic when I put it on the table. Recently, at a friend’s casual 40th birthday gathering, a circle of us men ended up trading stories about what we’ve done for family planning. Some had vasectomies, some were considering it, but when I brought up Plan A, the reaction was immediate. Everyone had questions. What could have been an awkward exchange turned into a moment of connection and honesty. Whether we realized it or not, we were talking openly about shared responsibility, our choices, and what it means to step into a role that’s bigger than just being a financial provider for our families.
This same idea carries into money. Household finances siphon off to one partner, and it’s usually whoever is more comfortable with numbers (or whoever earns more). But that setup often creates an imbalance leaving one person carrying all the financial stress, while the other’s in the dark, and neither partner is happy with it. Money works best as a team game. The conversations, decisions, and accountability strengthen your sense of security. Sharing responsibility deepens your partnership.
We write about paternity leave in the book, which is another area where men have a real opportunity to step up as providers. We need to take all paternity leave available to us, because only that will change the standard. I encourage new dads or dads-to-be to think strategically about how to use their leave, too. I understand the pull to be there in those first tender weeks, but sit down and talk to your partner about what serves the household best. Staggering leave, for example, can extend the amount of time a baby has a parent at home, reduce the cost and need for outside childcare, and give both parents space to bond and adjust in their own ways. Again, it comes back to choice. Men don’t have to default to simply “work through it.” You can contribute to your families in more ways than one.
All of this comes back to the same question: how do we promote fairness with money in relationships and family systems? That’s the heart of the work Heather and I are doing right now, and it’s why I’m excited to continue the conversation in another setting.
On Monday, October 6 at 12 p.m. EST, we’ll will be joining Ellevest’s Head of Wealth Management, Emily Green, for a candid conversation about navigating financial fairness as a couple when it comes to caring for those you love. We’ll unpack practical strategies, share what we’ve learned from our marriage and from advising clients, and talk about how partners can build stronger relationships by aligning money and values. You can register here.
The timing couldn’t be better. Between the summit and the conversations I’ve been having, this webinar feels like another step in a mission I’ve been on for the last two years: to challenge my own role in our family, step up where I’ve fallen short, and add value beyond earning money. My hope is to lead by example and show that men can live richer, fuller lives by building stronger connections with the people they love. That’s what it’s all about.
We’re ready to continue the convo with everyone. Just reach out!
Heather and I closed out summer with one final visit to the Elder Millennial Concert Series at Pier 17 in NYC. Illenium went HARD, but we kept up!
TJA in the news
Heather shared budgeting tips for your next vacation with The Knot.
Money Together: the final countdown <3
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